Not Needed, Not Wanted

I started this post 12-13-13 and I am feeling it all over again.

Do you ever feel not wanted? Or not needed? Or not wanted AND not needed?  It all started a few weeks ago.  Really, I take that back.  It started years ago.  So, so so long ago.  It’s my struggle, I guess.  I just want to know, really know, I am wanted and needed.  BP ‘needs’ me and then she is done.  HP wants me, but doesn’t need me.  I don’t really effect anyone else.

About a month ago MP ended up in the hospital.  I asked my family: have you noticed that when we feed her she eats well, but when the nurses feed her – she doesn’t eat as much?

Silence… crickets… it was deafening.  Really deafening.

I asked: have you noticed she has dropped a ton of weight?  As in 40 lbs in a month (that’s what happens when you don’t eat)?

Silence… crickets… Again deafening.

MP is still not home.  I still get no response to my questions.  But I get this question: why don’t you say much when we have a family conference. Um, hmm, um, because what I say or think doesn’t matter -> to anyone.

I know I’m supposed to encourage myself and say: God loves me and that’s all that matters. He does.  I know that.  But I want someone on this earth to want and need me.  For me.  For who I am.  Maybe I want to much.  Maybe I do need to learn to be satisfied with God alone.  I do, I know I do.  But how?

Till then, the feeling (right or wrong… true or not) remains.  Not needed, not wanted.

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About hpwpbp

Wife Person to a wonderful Husband Person. Mother Person to a wonderful Baby Person.
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