I started this post 12-13-13 and I am feeling it all over again.
Do you ever feel not wanted? Or not needed? Or not wanted AND not needed? It all started a few weeks ago. Really, I take that back. It started years ago. So, so so long ago. It’s my struggle, I guess. I just want to know, really know, I am wanted and needed. BP ‘needs’ me and then she is done. HP wants me, but doesn’t need me. I don’t really effect anyone else.
About a month ago MP ended up in the hospital. I asked my family: have you noticed that when we feed her she eats well, but when the nurses feed her – she doesn’t eat as much?
Silence… crickets… it was deafening. Really deafening.
I asked: have you noticed she has dropped a ton of weight? As in 40 lbs in a month (that’s what happens when you don’t eat)?
Silence… crickets… Again deafening.
MP is still not home. I still get no response to my questions. But I get this question: why don’t you say much when we have a family conference. Um, hmm, um, because what I say or think doesn’t matter -> to anyone.
I know I’m supposed to encourage myself and say: God loves me and that’s all that matters. He does. I know that. But I want someone on this earth to want and need me. For me. For who I am. Maybe I want to much. Maybe I do need to learn to be satisfied with God alone. I do, I know I do. But how?
Till then, the feeling (right or wrong… true or not) remains. Not needed, not wanted.