I feel like Lot’s wife right now. I am listening to sermon number 3 in a row from the church we just left. Talk about looking back. Where is the salt?
It’s hard for me to let go. I know I need to. I know it is the right thing to do, but it is so hard. I grew there. I healed there. I gained confidence, started to accept who I was/am. I started to realize it really is ok to be me while we were there.
But then they took a step that I wasn’t ok with. They let a woman preach. Not just ‘let’, they encouraged it. They were all gun-ho about it. So we left. It was the right step. I know it is. But I feel like I am losing some freedom. I realize I was the one who pushed hardest for us to leave. I know I was the one who looked for a new church. I know we are in this together.
Now we are someplace where I feel like we are arriving with people having expectations for us. I don’t want the pressure. I want to be me. Not who they think I am. I don’t want to feel too thin, too under-dressed, too overdressed, too anything. I want to be me.
BUT. I saw your face the first week we were there. You were at home for the first time in over 2 years. How could I have taken you from home? How could I ever do that to you again? So here we are: you are at home, and I am floundering. I know it will become home. It seems to take me about 4 ½ months to adjust to anything. So round about the middle of March I will settle in. I will be at home too. Please bear with me till then. I am trying. I’m not unhappy, I’m just trying to be true to me. Most of all I am trying to be true to you.
So here I sit: Lot’s wife. Knowing where we are headed is where we should be. Looking back wanting more time to heal, grow, and just be.